Larry David Theory
Note: Feel free to edit this theory in order to improve it. Okay, I have a theory about Larry David, but before I go on, I have to warn you. This theory may very well change how you perceive Larry David. No, it will definitely do that. It may also very well impact your outlook on life and reality at large. So please, keep an open mind and do not, I warn you, do not take this in in one sitting. Only one man has been known to have done that and man has since become a pariah who resides in the alps, a pet monkey named A.J. being his only companion. This theory will most likely be rejected by the Larry David community outright, so please hear me out before sending your hate-mail. Have you ever noticed, that, compared to other, regular human beings, Larry David has “ass” written all over him? And no, I don't mean like he's the Assman or something like that, I mean it in the literal sense. I'll show you what I mean. Do any of you remember the classic hit show Seinfeld? I know, it had kind of a falling out with mainstream audiences after the Michael Richards “N-Word” debacle and reports that Jerry Seinfeld had all people of color be filmed in front of a green screen rather than on set with the rest of the crew because of his disgust for them. I mean, not that there's anything wrong with that. But back in the '90s, for some time, it was part of the cultural mind-share. Some of you may even remember George Costanza, the short, stocky, slow-witted, bald man who was Jerry's best friend, adviser, and main love interest throughout the series. It probably also wouldn't surprise some of you if I told you that George Costanza was actually based on Jerry Seinfeld's real-life friend and co-producer of the show, Larry David. Now, some of you may exclaim, “so what, big fucking deal, where's the revelation?” but again, just fucking hear me out here for a second and stop fucking complaining. There are just a few more puzzle pieces that need to fall into place for all of this to make sense. Why do you think it is, that Jason Alexander, a man who played one of the most recognizable characters in the history of media, excluding pornography, was unable to land a role in another show that was on air for longer than a couple of months? What could be the reason for that, you may ask yourselves, scratching your heads like Coco the monkey. I tell you why that is – it's an inside job. Jason Alexander was never intended to get another gig because Larry just wanted to get rid of his puppet after Seinfeld ended and he had no more use for it. According to my theory, and for the record, I have it on good authority, Jason Alexander never actually existed. He was just a decoy for the things that were actually going on behind the scenes. Those of you who are completely flummoxed by what I just said, let me elaborate. Jason Alexander is just a character that Larry David portrayed. Jason Alexander is just a subterfuge for Larry David to do the deranged things he does, and to showcase his true self to the whole world without being castigated for it or suffering any of the consequences. In the earlier episodes of Larry David's Curb Your Enthusiasm, Larry always got really upset whenever somebody mentioned the character of George Costanza; While Larry David thought George was a funny, quirky guy, just like Larry saw himself, other people always called George an idiot, making Larry's blood boil, but he was unable to directly address this because it would have thrown his façade out of the window. And here's another tidbit: All the events in both Seinfeld and Curb Your Enthusiasm were things that actually happened in the life of Larry David, without exception. Why do you think it is that George Costanza, a.k.a. Jason Alexander, a.k.a. actually Larry David's true self dated a female Jerry Seinfeld in the Season 9 episode “The Cartoon”? Larry David and Jerry Seinfeld had been sharing bedsheets for years before they tried to plant that into the audiences' subconscious in an effort to normalize such reprehensible behavior. For the slow ones among you, let me write it out for you again: Larry David is a homosexual. If that's not a testament for what a mentally ill person he is, I don't know what is. I mean, not that there's anything wrong with… you see?! They planted this idea in my head and now they have indoctrinated me with off-the-wall ideas like those. And if this already made your stomach turn, just wait for me to rip it out and smear my smegma right all over it when I tell you what else stinks here, and I'm not talking about my “The Smelly Car”-esque body odor. We are sinking deeper and deeper into this boiling cauldron. If you have listened up to this point, you are way beyond the point of no return. The more you struggle, the deeper you sink. But to make all of this more bearable, I'm taking you for a ride. Come on, my friends, let's advance valiantly and intrepidly. We mustn't allow the disinformation campaign, orchestrated by the Zionist mass-media to distort the truth to the point where it is unrecognizable for an ordinary man. We will vanquish those who aim to deceive and mentally molest innocent, upstanding citizens for seeking the truth and we will be victorious… hopefully. Going back to the man who became a recluse after finding out about all of this, as it turns out, his pet monkey, in actuality, is not in fact called A.J. but A.V.–Arthur Vandelay. Anybody familiar with the show should have probably proverbially, or if you are easily scared like me, literally leaped out of their seats right now. Yes, we are indeed talking about Art Vandelay, the infamous importer SLASH exporter and alter ego of the George character. And here's where I'm going to blow your mind right now: Why do you think it is that there is a “slash” between the importer and exporter? It's because he slashes people. No, I am not kidding about that and I have definite, undeniable, irrefutable proof. Brace yourselves, here's the real shit-shocker: Do any of you remember the Season 7 finale called “The Invitations”? I do. And do you remember what happens in that episode? George fucking kills his wife, inadvertently, as he wants the world to believe. Do you remember how I mentioned earlier, that every episode of Larry David's shows was based on real-life events that actually occurred in his life? Just about now, chills should be running down your spine. “It can't be” I hear you say, desperately repeating it to yourself over and over again. Serenity Now! But you don't wake up from this nightmare. Larry David killed his wife. He had an altercation with her in the kitchen after she caught him and Jerry Seinfeld sucking off each other's cocks. Let me tell you, there was blood. Oh yeah, there was blood, baby. But I hear you fumble, “blood isn't such a bad thing. It's a “blue” with an “ahd” at the end. Right?” No. No No No No No. It was bloody murder. Murder. Larry was getting upset, but it was too late. As the blood was leaking from her lifeless body, Larry pantingly said “You… you are not… I repeat… not killing independent Larry… Not a chance in hell.” His wife was dead and her death just served to fuel his self-indulgent hedonism. And hadn't Larry and Jerry been world-renowned stars and richer than Adolf Hitler by that point, they most likely wouldn't have gotten away with it. But as it happens, they did. If you take away nothing else from this story, just remember this: Somewhere out there a Jewish guy got away with murder and deceiving the whole world. And whenever you think you are safe, he might just be out there to murder you for his selfish needs. Be aware and proceed with caution. P.S. If you think it's a mere coincidence that, over the course of Seinfeld, two buildings burned down, namely the cabin of Susan's parents and the building where Leapin' Larry's was located, just years before the terrorist attacks on September 11, 2001, and not to mention that there is a Curb Your Enthusiasm episode with a terrorist threat, you've got another thing coming, buddy.